


Vows

by acommontater



Category: Glee
Genre: Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-10
Updated: 2015-07-09
Packaged: 2018-04-08 13:53:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4307604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acommontater/pseuds/acommontater
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He keeps his promise; he never does say goodbye, not in so many words.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. To Love and Defend

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally written as two mirror/companion peices back in 2012, but I think that they hold up fairly well.

_Learning, loving, somebody don't make them love you.- 'Sitting, Wishing, Waiting', Jack Johnson._

* * *

_Staying home alone on a Friday, flat on the floor looking back at old loves, or lack thereof.- 'Love Song for No One', John Mayer._

* * *

He resists the urge to skip home. That would be completely undignified and he has a perfectly good car. He can't seem to wipe the wide grin off of his face.

He is  **Loved**.

He  **Loves**.

They  **Love**.

He laughs and smiles and dances around the house until his step-brother asks him if he's on drugs.

* * *

A year later he still  **Loves.**  But he has stopped being  **Loved**  in return.

Maybe.

He's not quite sure.

Everything is off-kilter because where there should be  _LoveHopeCourageWarmth_  looking at him, there is only a terrible coldness instead.

He keeps his promise- he never says goodbye in so many words.

But the eyes with terrible coldness scream at him  _Let me go, please, please, Let me go Let me go..._

So, he does.

* * *

He never sees beyond the terrible cold aching sorrow, never finishes the sentence there.

_Let me go, let me go, let me go..._

_...so that you can be free._

* * *

He still  **Loves**.

It is years later now, and he is now certain that he always will  **Love**.

But he is not  **Loved**.  _They_  are no longer.

Have not been for a long time. Will never be again.

He and his very-nearly-almost-but-not-quite-yet-step-sister-in-law take their Emerald City by a storm.

He does not smile, save when he is on stage.

* * *

He tries to love another.

Falls into a pair of eyes that can  _Love_  him and leave him drowning and gasping for air when he looks away.

But he cannot even love them back.

He  **Loves**  to much.

* * *

The newest _they_  are listening to the radio, singing along, when slow, sad, familier guitar riffs fill the car.

He shuts off the music abruptly.

The other does not ask and they continue in silence.

* * *

He still  **Loves**.

He is loved, again.

But  _they_  do not  **Love**. Not like what he had before. Never like that.

He still says yes when there is too much  _HopeShiningPleadingPlease?_ in the eyes that let him lose himself and a small black box.

He is too afraid of being alone.

He hates himself for that.

He is loved.

* * *

He lives.

He thrives.

He is loved.

He does not smile.

* * *

One day he writes a letter.

He pours out his heart, his hurt, his  _achingbreakingangrysorrowful_  mess onto the paper.

He shreds the letter when he finished.

Still, he  **Loves,**  but the pain is dulled ever so slightly.

* * *

Years later, he is sitting at his desk when the pain in his heart wells up again.

His heart is  _pieces_  and he tries to stop it, tries to hold it together with his bare hands...

He falls out of his chair and hits the ground as his secretary comes running and screaming for help.

 _'I'm okay, my heart is just breaking again, I'll be fine_.' He tries to tell her, but he can't catch his breath, can't breathe can't breathe can't...

The last thing he sees is his secretary's eyes, full of  _LoveHopeCourageWarmthSorrow_.

 _It's okay,_  he tries to tell her,  _let me go, please, please, just let me go..._

Her sad smile blurs as his vision fades to black.

He dies with a smile on his face.


	2. To Hold and to Cherish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They say that if you love something, to let it go. They have obviously never been in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And Blaine's perspective.

_If you love someone, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they do not, they never were. - Anonymous_

* * *

_The only way of knowing a person is to love them without hope. -Walter Benjamin_

* * *

Liar.

He stares down at the engraved quotation.

It was such a lie.

He had  **Loved**  so much stronger than the unknown author of this quote ever had. How dare this faceless person dispence false information?

They don't say how ' _letting go_ ' is not just a one sided decision. It goes both ways, and it hurts.

Because ' _letting go_ ' turns into  _screamingangryterriblehurting_  fights.

Because when you are trying to let someone go, trying to let them be free, they have to  _want_  to leave. They have to ' _let go_ ' too.

Because when they refuse, just pull and brand their eternal **Love**  into the very core of your being, it leaves you with scars too deep to ever fully heal.

* * *

There are too many ( _horrible-beautiful-angry-need-to-be-kissed-away_ _)_ tears in his eyes.

Because he doesn't ( _can't_ ) understand, doesn't ( _shouldn't_ ) see the  _angerjudgmentpain **hate**_  in the world that you do.

You are protecting him- none of what is ruined can ever be allowed to touch him or ever be near him.

You can't be near him.

Can't ruin him or taint him or hurt him.

So, you let go.

* * *

You stop using the  _"I **Love**  you"_'s that used to be so plentiful.

Force yourself to stop wanting (to  _touchfeelholdkeep **Love**_ ) so much, stop being so selfish.

Let him be free.

* * *

Finally, finally, he leaves.

He goes to take his shining city by a storm, with his best friend at his side.

He is  _hurtingangryconfusedscared_ , but he is safe.

From you.

From your family.

From everything here.

He is safe and you let out a sigh of relief.

* * *

You wait and wait and wait.

He doesn't come back.

* * *

You see his name eventually, years later, in the glossy pages of a magazine you had both adored.

It appears more and more often in glossy pages, sometimes alongside the name of the-girl-you-once-kissed who is rising just as quickly.

* * *

You go to California- lose yourself in the sun and the surf and people and the bright lights.

Not music. Never music.

Because if you start to play something, the random chords will always start sounding like an old pop song that  _aches_  in the center of your chest, and when you try to sing, you always find yourself waiting (always _waitingwaitingwaiting_ ) for another, sweeter voice to join you.

You drown yourself in  _sunsurfpeople_  until you can only hear the pounding of your own heart.

( _Coward coward coward_  it pumps.)

* * *

You see his name in a bright-bubbled wedding announcement.

You run out of the store before you embarrass yourself.

* * *

You get a call one day from an old friend ( _softandsweetandsadsadsad)_  from your old glee club.

Her voice is soft (you wish that voices could come in blanket form so that you could wrap yourself up in her warm, familier tone and never leave.) and you remember rollicking duets belted out in the too-empty choir room.

Maybe if voices were blankets you wouldn't feel so cold or empty and would have something to soak up your tears.

* * *

You  _let go_  because you  **Loved**  too much.

You  **Loved**  and  _let go_  and lost far too much.

You stare as they lower the smooth wooden box into the ground ( _the color of the velvet had been the wrong color for his skin and her would've thrown a fit about it if.._.)

You stare at the ground where they have buried your heart.

You have **Loved**  and  _let go_ , and now you are merely...

...lost.


End file.
